Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much the same
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me
Lie, beautiful, oh

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running 'round in circles
Plagued with a quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie

So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds To Mars

I don't want to think of a title for this post. I just want to write and I doubt anyone has ever read this blog anyway. I just wish I knew someone that understood me and my depression. Sometimes I feel like my family and loved ones just think I'm crazy. And in ways, I guess I am.

I looked up "types of depression" the other day wondering if I fit in somewhere. How pathetic. I seem to have symptoms of a few "types". I'm not bipolar although I do have big highs and deep lows. I'm not psychotic, but I do seem to have some of those symptoms. I think I get freaked out about the people around me. I'm so paranoid. Often, I just feel like the whole world is against me. Like everyone dislikes me, is nice to my face, talks behind my back, and wouldn't notice if they didn't hear from me for a month. I seem to be so secluded at times. Sometimes I long to have a fun night out like I had in college, but most of the time I don't feel like doing anything, don't care to talk to anyone, and just want to stay secluded in my home. That is the symptom from being psychotic, but I don't hear voices, thank God. Not yet anyway, lol. Not that that is something to lol about.

None of that really matters though, because ever since I became a mom, I have slowly lost all of my friends. The local ones, anyway. Lives change, people change, and it seems you can count your true friends on one hand. But maybe, I'm just full of shit. Maybe all those people that used to be in my life really could care less. Why think about it? It doesn't do any good? How does one make new friends once they are in their 40s and don't work? I don't need to make friends at church, because I really don't go anymore and I don't want to sit around and talk about my faith all day. I don't want to make friends because of our kids, because that is for our kids. Not because we have too much in common. And once you are in your 40s, you're pretty much set in your ways anyway. Maybe I am just beginning my midlife crisis or I'm menopausal, but gosh that would really suck! I don't feel like I should be there in life yet. I've been married for less then ten years for goodness sake.

I'm rambling. But what difference does it make. I am just dealing with the monster at the moment and hopefully it will go away soon.

You know that song, "I'm not crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED, your the one that's crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED, it's driving me crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED, blah blah blah blah, blah, blah blah blah (singing and screaming and I've never really understood what the hell he was saying).

Tomorrow will be a better day................

Here We Go Again!

I feel the monster, lurking out there in the darkness. I hate feeling like this. I hate the feeling of this weight on my heart and like all of the life is being sucked out of me. I feel numb. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing at all that can make me happy, even though I am so very blessed. It's just the monster doing it. Playing with my mind and my emotions.