Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much the same
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me
Lie, beautiful, oh

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running 'round in circles
Plagued with a quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie

So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds To Mars

I don't want to think of a title for this post. I just want to write and I doubt anyone has ever read this blog anyway. I just wish I knew someone that understood me and my depression. Sometimes I feel like my family and loved ones just think I'm crazy. And in ways, I guess I am.

I looked up "types of depression" the other day wondering if I fit in somewhere. How pathetic. I seem to have symptoms of a few "types". I'm not bipolar although I do have big highs and deep lows. I'm not psychotic, but I do seem to have some of those symptoms. I think I get freaked out about the people around me. I'm so paranoid. Often, I just feel like the whole world is against me. Like everyone dislikes me, is nice to my face, talks behind my back, and wouldn't notice if they didn't hear from me for a month. I seem to be so secluded at times. Sometimes I long to have a fun night out like I had in college, but most of the time I don't feel like doing anything, don't care to talk to anyone, and just want to stay secluded in my home. That is the symptom from being psychotic, but I don't hear voices, thank God. Not yet anyway, lol. Not that that is something to lol about.

None of that really matters though, because ever since I became a mom, I have slowly lost all of my friends. The local ones, anyway. Lives change, people change, and it seems you can count your true friends on one hand. But maybe, I'm just full of shit. Maybe all those people that used to be in my life really could care less. Why think about it? It doesn't do any good? How does one make new friends once they are in their 40s and don't work? I don't need to make friends at church, because I really don't go anymore and I don't want to sit around and talk about my faith all day. I don't want to make friends because of our kids, because that is for our kids. Not because we have too much in common. And once you are in your 40s, you're pretty much set in your ways anyway. Maybe I am just beginning my midlife crisis or I'm menopausal, but gosh that would really suck! I don't feel like I should be there in life yet. I've been married for less then ten years for goodness sake.

I'm rambling. But what difference does it make. I am just dealing with the monster at the moment and hopefully it will go away soon.

You know that song, "I'm not crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED, your the one that's crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED, it's driving me crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED, blah blah blah blah, blah, blah blah blah (singing and screaming and I've never really understood what the hell he was saying).

Tomorrow will be a better day................

Here We Go Again!

I feel the monster, lurking out there in the darkness. I hate feeling like this. I hate the feeling of this weight on my heart and like all of the life is being sucked out of me. I feel numb. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing at all that can make me happy, even though I am so very blessed. It's just the monster doing it. Playing with my mind and my emotions.

Depression Sucks

Depression Sucks

I decided to do a search today for "Depression Sucks". I have to somewhat giggle, because as we are all bitching about depression it's easy to say, "Of course Depression Sucks!" I mean, it's depression. It's not like it's going to be a delightful thing.

I have found a couple of good reads today with people sharing similar feelings about the monster within.

The gal at the above link took the words right out of my mouth! I have posted her link below as well as another gal's who is having trouble with her medication and has to try some other concoction. You can find the links at the bottom of the page. I will add more as I find them.

I was once against medication and was determined to not have to live my life popping some pill every single day. But after having my kiddos, the depression got worse as in Postpartum. After my first kiddo, I tried to stop popping those pills, but I felt the monster getting worse and stronger. And when I became pregnant again, I thought I should stop popping those little "happy faced" pills (stupid ads for Zoloft with the happy little faces enjoying life) but my OBGYN said that it wouldn't interfere with my pregnancy and to not stop because it would only get worse. And it did get worse. A LOT worse!

I increase and decrease my Zoloft all of the time. It's like I can feel the changes in my monster and know how to help. My neurologist was pleased that I took that initiative. I pop another pill that helps for migraine prevention. I have Cervical Dystonia (pains in my freakin' neck and HUGE knots) but the pills don't seem to really help. Luckily, I can pop another pill (Zomig) when I have a migraine and at the moment, it still helps. I also started doing rounds of Botox injections in my neck, but don't know if that is successful or not just yet. Any who, I do know that I need to pop pills for my depression. If I didn't, I'm sure I would be locked away.

I'll talk more about how my monster feels on another day. I don't feel like visiting it right now. Hope I've helped you in some way.

Today Was One of THOSE Days

I can't stand that commercial that comes on TV with the sad looking people, the sad music, and how depression doesn't only effect you. It also effects your husband, your children, and your neglected dog. When I hear that music, it instantly puts me in a funk. It makes me feel like I am some loony who should be locked away.

Today was one of THOSE days. I was in a funk. I didn't feel like doing anything. It's summer time, the sun was out, the birds were singing. Granted, it was hot as hell outside. But on THOSE days I always feel like I SHOULD BE out enjoying the day with my kiddos. But I am in that funk. I don't feel like cleaning. I don't feel like playing. I don't feel like doing art. And you know it's bad when I don't even feel like getting on the computer. I just want to sleep.

I went into the bedroom to lay down. The kiddos are used to it, I guess. They didn't even question it. They just continued to play and have their fun together. I feel so blessed that they get along so well and are best friends.

I laid in bed, in my funk. Dozed off for a bit and thought, "I'm going to start that blog today and I'm going to call it" and then I thought on it for a bit. My husband came home early so that we could all go to the pool. I didn't feel like going. There is that part of me that just wants to lay there. Take advantage of that moment to "have a break". But deep down, I know I should be having that time with my family. I did get up finally and go along with them. I knew that if I stayed home, I would instantly miss them when they left and regret my decision to not go. We had a good time. There was hardly anyone there and we stayed until the pool closed. The kiddos were thrilled.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Life

I've been thinking about having a blog like this for some time now. A place to just write about my battles with the depression I have been suffering from for decades now. Maybe show some of the art I have created when I am in that dark pit. Also to have a place to vent, maybe help someone else, or to hopefully find that I am not the only one out there feeling like this.

Sometimes my depression is like this monster that takes over not only my mind, but my body as well. Sometimes, I feel like my depression is hardly there at all. But there seems to always be this little voice, way far back in the depths of my mind. Just waiting to leash it's ugly claws at me again. In a way, I guess I am used to it after all of this time. But it sucks, needless to say. It sucks because it effects not only my life, but the lives of my husband and my kiddos. And during those times, I feel so alone.

So there you have it. More coming soon.